Fool Friends
On the well-meaning enemies of the cause.

by Robert G. Ingersoll
(1887)

From The Works of Robert G. Ingersoll (Dresden Edition, 1900–1902), Volume 11.
Source: https://thegreatagnostic.com/works/fool-friends/
Public domain. CC0 / Public Domain Mark 1.0.

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NOTHING hurts a man, nothing hurts a party so terribly as fool friends.

A fool friend is the sewer of bad news, of slander and all base and
unpleasant things.

A fool friend always knows every mean thing that has been said against
you and against the party.

He always knows where your party is losing, and the other is making
large gains.

He always tells you of the good luck your enemy has had.

He implicitly believes every story against you, and kindly suspects your
defence.

A fool friend is always full of a kind of stupid candor.

He is so candid that he always believes the statement of an enemy.

He never suspects anything on your side.

Nothing pleases him like being shocked by horrible news concerning some
good man.

He never denies a lie unless it is in your favor.

He is always finding fault with his party, and is continually begging
pardon for not belonging to the other side.

He is frightfully anxious that all his candidates should stand well with
the opposition.

He is forever seeing the faults of his party and the virtues of the
other.

He generally shows his candor by scratching the ticket.

He always searches every nook and comer of his conscience to find a
reason for deserting a friend or a principle.

In the moment of victory he is magnanimously on your side.

In defeat he consoles you by repeating prophecies made after the event.

The fool friend regards your reputation as common prey for all the
vultures, hyenas and jackals.

He takes a sad pleasure in your misfortunes.

He forgets his principles to gratify your enemies.

He forgives your maligner, and slanders you with all his heart.

He is so friendly that you cannot kick him.

He generally talks for you but always bets the other way.
