What I Want for Christmas
A Christmas essay.

by Robert G. Ingersoll
(1891)

From The Works of Robert G. Ingersoll (Dresden Edition, 1900–1902), Volume 11.
Source: https://thegreatagnostic.com/works/what-i-want-for-christmas/
Public domain. CC0 / Public Domain Mark 1.0.

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IF I had the power to produce exactly what I want for next Christmas,
I would have all the kings and emperors resign and allow the people to
govern themselves.

I would have all the nobility drop their titles and give their lands
back to the people. I would have the Pope throw away his tiara, take off
his sacred vestments, and admit that he is not acting for God—is
not infallible—but is just an ordinary Italian. I would have all the
cardinals, archbishops, bishops, priests and clergymen admit that they
know nothing about theology, nothing about hell or heaven, nothing about
the destiny of the human race, nothing about devils or ghosts, gods
or angels. I would have them tell all their "flocks" to think for
themselves, to be manly men and womanly women, and to do all in their
power to increase the sum of human happiness.

I would have all the professors in colleges, all the teachers in schools
of every kind, including those in Sunday schools, agree that they would
teach only what they know, that they would not palm off guesses as
demonstrated truths.

I would like to see all the politicians changed to statesmen,—to men
who long to make their country great and free,—to men who care more for
public good than private gain—men who long to be of use.

I would like to see all the editors of papers and magazines agree to
print the truth and nothing but the truth, to avoid all slander and
misrepresentation, and to let the private affairs of the people alone.

I would like to see drunkenness and prohibition both abolished.

I would like to see corporal punishment done away with in every home, in
every school, in every asylum, reformatory, and prison. Cruelty hardens
and degrades, kindness reforms and ennobles.

I would like to see the millionaires unite and form a trust for the
public good.

I would like to see a fair division of profits between capital and
labor, so that the toiler could save enough to mingle a little June with
the December of his life.

I would like to see an international court established in which to
settle disputes between nations, so that armies could be disbanded and
the great navies allowed to rust and rot in perfect peace.

I would like to see the whole world free—free from injustice—free from
superstition.

This will do for next Christmas. The following Christmas, I may want
more.—The Arena, Boston, December, 1897.
